Dissociation

Photo by Blaque X from Pexels

Those aren’t my thoughts,
These aren’t my wants, hopes, wishes,
That’s not me,
Jealousy.
I don’t know this who-ha,
Whose hands are these, shaking
Raged with envy
Surfacing past trauma
Detached from my identity.
Never wanted anyone to see,
This version of me,
I’m horrified by this ugly
This monster,
Frightened by my own emotions.
This is the type of ugly, I don’t identify with
Reel it in,
Throw it in a box
Let it sink
To the bottom of the ocean
Deafening
Drowning in this dark abyss.

Feeling the gritty grit of my reaction,
Of not being able to possess my passion,
I’m suffocated with frustration,
With not being able to obtain the same,
I couldn’t bear to see it, 
Flaunted in front of my face,
Ripped me down to the core,
Ignited a flame.
I have to extinguish it
Before it gets out of control
Destroying the progress that I’ve made,
To have my heart's desire,
Someday.

Another poem to read: London