School of Fish

Photo by cottonbro from Pexels

In daylight,
Your encouragement outshined
Your gaslighting,
Your charming ways,
Charitable displays,
Leaving impressions of thoughtfulness,
I felt ashamed for second-guessing,
Your true intentions, reading a lower vibration
Of a heartless individual.

With your untainted reputation,
Someone who was always giving,
My gut feeling read you as an opportunist,
Always showing up for 'the cause',
With a hidden agenda, of getting what you want.

You were there for me too,
Stood up to applaud,
Gave me ‘constructive criticism’,
Advice, that I should take from the experienced,
Knowledgeable, jumping through hoops,
Becoming a chameleon with lists of to-do’s,
And don’ts, aiming to be exactly
How you instructed me to be,
Then foolishly, I’d wait for your applause
With more butts about it,
And how I can improve.

I’m seasick from this instability,
Never feeling grounded in this relationship,
Or certain of your perception of me,
My head’s buried in sand,
I’m in your sandbox,
Seesawing up and down,
Emotionally unstable,
Waiting for you to determine,
Our next step.

Then, I observe the people around you,
I think of them as your cult,
Collectively they think so highly of you,
They look at me like I’m crazy,
I know it’s because of you, correcting me
In front of them, and no one catches this behavior,
So they must think that I’m trash,
Someone of a lower class,
Is this really happening?
Or am I crazy?  Gaslighting?
Time to pack up my crazy,
Tear up this invisible report card,
Totally flunk out of your life,

Good-bye.

Another poem to read: I Think, He Loves Me